Moving from Fear-based Parenting to Connection-based Parenting

Dear parents, I want you to observe your thoughts for a week. I want you to note down the thoughts that cross your mind regarding your child and yourself as a parent, and categorize these thoughts into two categories - positive thoughts and negative thoughts.

I, then, want you to analyze the negative thoughts that cross your mind and evaluate where they are coming from. Are they based in the past, the present, the future, or a combination of all three? Your thoughts could be coming from an unresolved past, a stressful present and/or an uncertain future.

I want you to divide your negative thoughts into three categories:

1. Negative thoughts that are based on your unresolved past.

2. Negative thoughts that are based on your stressful present.

3. Negative thoughts that are based on the uncertain future.

Fear-based Parenting Vs. Connection-based Parenting

I would like parents to reflect on what drives their parenting style. Is it fear or connection? The answer to this question is the key to successful parenting!

Most of us are driven by fear when we start our special needs journey for obvious reasons - we are not sure what the future holds for our children and are worried that they may not have a fulfilling life, or our definition of a fulfilling life. So, we set out to work on teaching our children the skills that they are “lacking” in order to have a full life without considering their current needs and fulfilling them. This is the equivalent of trying to build a tower without a foundation - “trying” being the keyword here, because you can try all you want but you won’t succeed in building the tower without a foundation.

Respecting My Son’s Individuality After His Diagnosis

It took me a while to realize that my son was not his diagnosis. Like many parents of newly-diagnosed children with autism, I worked relentlessly with my son after finding out that he had autism, thinking that it was only a matter of how much time and effort I put in for my son to be able to overcome his challenges.

Before I knew what was happening, I had turned my son into a project to be worked on instead of a child to be loved. It was only when the both of us ended up burnt out and miserable that I realized that this was not working. My sweet, cheerful, lively, bubbly, happy-go-lucky boy was no longer any of those things. He was sad, tired, frustrated, defeated and withdrawn. I was so mad at myself for having done this to him. I hated myself for losing sight of who my son was in the process of trying to get him to “fit” into society.

Dear Parent of The Newly-Diagnosed Child with Autism

Dear parent of the newly-diagnosed child with autism,

I know how you feel because I have been where you are. I know how lost, confused, scared and overwhelmed you might be. 

I cannot tell you that your child will be cured, because there is no cure for autism as of now. I cannot tell you that it will be an easy road, because it is not. I can tell you, though, that your child's condition will improve with a lot of hard work and patience. There will be ups and downs. There will be new concerns and challenges, but you will get the hang of dealing with them. You will become an expert in all things autism, but more than that, you will become an expert in your child. You will know how to help him and you will know how to teach him to help himself. Life will not be how you envisioned it to be but it will be a fulfilling life if you let it be.